You can’t make me clean. I know it is what you want for me to be, but until I want it – I won’t be.
You can’t love me clean…because until I learn to love myself, I won’t be.
I know you must wonder how can I learn to love myself when I am caught up in a lifestyle of self-hatred and self-destruction.
I can learn from my own experience.
I can learn from the things that happen to me along the path of my own mistakes.
I can learn by being allowed to suffer the consequences of my choices.
Life has a funny way of teaching us the lessons we need learn.
I know it devastates you to watch me hurting myself. I know you want to jump in and save me. This helps ease your pain, but I don’t think you understand just how damaging it is to me.
You see, although I look and sound like your loved one, Me, “the person” .. is locked away deep down inside my being. What you see before you is an addict ruled and reigned by my addiction. The main focus of an addict is to feed the addiction.
I feed my addiction enough … please don’t help me.
The only way for the person in me to get free is to be free .. to fall as far as I need to go in order to find the strength to fight back and break free.
How can I, or will I, ever be able to get clean? The same way I gave myself over to my addiction is the same way I can give myself over to my recovery: BY MYSELF!
By allowing me to reach rock bottom, you move over and allow me to find my own way back.
It is in the fight to break free that I will find myself.
It is in the fight that I will learn to love myself.
And the more I love myself, the more I will do to better myself.
I am aware that when I use I am playing Russian Roulette with my life. I know this, but that is a chance we take when we use. The addict in me is willing to take that chance in the name of getting high.
Rock bottom is but a circumstance away. I can’t get in if you are blocking the entrance.
PLEASE for the sake of the person in me, move out of the way and let me fall as far down as I have to in order to reach the bottom, and pray for me that when I do hit…that is not with the impact that leaves me for dead (I know that is your greatest fear), but if it comes to that, be sure to tell my story so that others might learn and live.